Thursday, July 28, 2011

Teju Cole's "Small Fates"

  • E. Mozie, 28, won’t finish his political science degree at the University of Jos. He stole two phones and is to be hanged.
  • Segun, 16, who toppled into the flood waters of Egbe Idimu while answering the call of nature, was pulled out by divers, alive.
  • If sneaking into a house to have sex with a neighbor's sleeping wife is wrong, Edunjobi, of Oshodi, doesn't want to be right.
  • Hamidu, 19, sent to eliminate Baba Ali, 65, in Ibeju Lekki, killed a chicken while waiting. The old man arrived and was likewise cut open. 
  • Love is so restless. When T. Dafe’s girlfriend dumped him in Surulere, he went at her with a pen knife until she was no more.
  • The 40 long-dead Edo State pensioners who had kept drawing their pensions will now be left without a source of income.
  • Professor A.B. Mamman, after a tiring journey from Abuja to Zaria, lay down on a hotel bed and never woke up.
  • One, two, three, four, five. Women sleeping on a restaurant floor in Ikeja. No, dead.
  • On Forcados street, Kaduna, where money buys intimacy, someone took strenuous exception, and detonated a bomb.
  • In Lagos, Mr Sikiru, 33, and Mrs Awosanya, 38, inspected schools and pocketed bribes, as though they were actual government employees.
  • Mr Malik collapsed while on duty at Murtala Muhammad International Airport, which, unluckily, has no doctor, ambulance, or medicine.
  • At the gates of the College of Education in Ekiadolor was placed, by his enemies, the freshly-severed head of an unnamed student.
  • What God has joined together, Olubukola, in Agege, wants to put asunder, merely because her husband knocked three of her teeth out.
  • Mr Henshaw Asuquo, a clergyman, traveled from Eket to his village and, upon arrival, went into his room and hanged himself.
  • In Abuja, Mrs Ali, wife of someone who used to be something, put up illegal structures, and started a brawl when they were demolished.
  • Micah, 30, of Igbolodun, breast fondler, was for that reason jailed.
  • The Minister of Aviation, Princess Ogiemwinyi, arrived in Kano in long-sleeved shirt and jeans, scandalizing moderate Muslims.
  • Like Moses, Romulus, and Remus, a baby, newly-born, was found under a parked SUV outside a mosque in Orile-Agege.
  • In Ekemgbo three Cameroonian quacks were caught peddling Chinese herbs.
  • Mr Okiemute, of the Delta State House of Assembly, entered the chamber dressed as a boy scout. Nevertheless he is sane.
  • “Madam, the car has been stolen,” Amaziah, a driver in Lagos said, correctly, as he had stolen it himself with a duplicated key.
  • Miffed during a cleanup exercise, a truculent roadside trader in Port Harcourt showed sanitation officials his gun. 

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